Horrifying Domain Names
NOTE: It’s difficult to verify if these even exist, since people for some reason tend to change them…
- American Scrap Metal (waste disposal service) – americanscrapmetal.com
- Benjamin Dover (personal promotion site) – bendover.com
- Choose Spain (tourist site) – choosespain.com
- Cumbria Storage Systems (storage services) – cumstore.co.uk
- Dickson (technology company) – dicksonweb.com
- Note: redirects to dicksondata.com
- Experts Exchange (professional services) – expertsexchange.com
- Kids Exchange (recycling promotional site) – kidsexchange.net
- La Drape (artists’ site) – ladrape.com
- Les Bocages (artist’s site) – lesbocages.com
- Master Bait & Tackle (fishing gear site) – masterbaitonline.com (and proud of it)
- Mole Station Native Plant Nursery (plant nursery) – molestationnursery.com
- MP3s Hits (music site) – mp3shits.com
- North of Boston Jewish Singles (dating site) – nobjs.org
- North Lake Tahoe (tourist site) – gotahoenorth.com
- Old Man’s Haven (convalescent center) – oldmanshaven.com
- Pen Island (custom pens) – penisland.net
- Powergen Italia (company site) – powergenitalia.com
- Speed of Art (art exhibition site) – speedofart.com
- Swiss Bit (Swiss retailer) – swissbit.ch
- Teachers Talking (teacher connection site) – teacherstalking.org
- Therapist Finder (therapy services) – therapistfinder.com
- Therapist Practice in a Box (therapy service entrepreneurship) – therapistbox.com
- Who Represents (celebrity database) – whorepresents.com
- Winters Express (tourist site) – wintersexpress.com
- Anything in the Cook Islands – [domain].co.ck
99 Bugs
99 little bugs in the code
99 little bugs
Take one down, patch it around
127 little bugs in the code
What languages fix
Algol: Assembly language is too low-level.
Pascal: Algol doesn’t have enough data types.
Modula: Pascal is too wimpy for systems programming.
Simula: Algol isn’t good enough at simulations.
Smalltalk: Not everything in Simula is an object.
Fortran: Assembly language is too low-level.
Cobol: Fortran is scary.
PL/1: Fortran doesn’t have enough data types.
Ada: Every existing language is missing something.
Basic: Fortran is scary.
APL: Fortran isn’t good enough at manipulating arrays.
J: APL requires a separate character set.
C: Assembly language is too low-level.
C++: C is too low-level.
Java: C++ is a kludge. And Microsoft is going to crush us.
C#: Java is controlled by Sun.
Lisp: Turing Machines are an awkward way to describe computation.
Scheme: MacLisp is a kludge.
T: Scheme has no libraries.
Common Lisp: There are too many dialects of Lisp.
Dylan: Scheme has no libraries, and Lisp syntax is scary.
Perl: Shell scripts/awk/sed are not enough like programming languages.
Python: Perl is a kludge.
Ruby: Perl is a kludge, and Lisp syntax is scary.
Prolog: Programming is not enough like logic.
GNU/Linux
How many GNU/Linux users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- 1 to post a thread in a mailing list telling the bulb has burnt.
- 1 to suggest trying to turn the lamp on through command lines.
- 1 to complain that the user broke the thread.
- 1 to ask what new bulb will he install.
- 1 to advise we shouldn’t use the word burn for meaning a broken lightbulb because it would mean the bulb was set on fire and it would be right to say the bulb broke from an excess of electric current.
- 25 to suggest installing all the kinds of existing and imaginable lightbulbs.
- 5 who say that the burnt bulb is an upstream issue that doesn’t belong to the distro. There’s an open bug on the bulb’s developer mail list.
- 1 noob to suggest installing a Microsoft lightbulb.
- 250 to flood the noob’s mail address.
- 300 to say that a Microsoft lightbulb would turn blue and that you’d had to reboot continuously to get back to normal.
- 1 former GNU/Linux user who still frequents the forum, to suggest installing an Apple iBulb, which has a fresh and innovating design and costs $250.
- 20 to say that iBulbs aren’t free, and that they have fewer functions than a 20 times cheaper standard lightbulb.
- 15 to suggest installing a national lightbulb.
- 30 to say that national lightbulbs are crippled remasters of foreign lightbulbs and that they don’t bring anything new.
- 23 to argue if it must be a white or a transparent bulb.
- 1 to remind everyone that the right name is GNU/Lightbulb.
- 1 to say that lightbulbs are a Winbugs users thing and that real GNU/Linux users aren’t afraid of the dark.
- 1 to announce finally which will be the model of the installed bulb.
- 217 to discard the chosen model and suggest another.
- 6 to complain that the chosen lightbulb has proprietary elements, and that another should be used.
- 20 to say that a 100% free bulb, isn’t compatible with the lamp switch.
- 5 of the previous 6 to suggest changing the switch for a compatible one.
- 1 to yell out: “STOP ARGUING AND CHANGE THAT LIGHTBULB FOR GOD’S SAKE!”
- 350 to ask the previous user what God is he talking about, and that if he has scientific proofs of His existence.
- 1 to explain how electricity works and why a light bulb is inefficient.
- 1 to say that we can’t trust in corporation-made bulbs and that we should trust in community-made bulbs.
- 1 to post a link to an ODF file explaining how to build a lightbulb from scratch.
- 14 to complain about the format of the previous file and asking to send it in txt or LaTeX.
- 5 to say that they didn’t like the taken decision and that they’ll fork the house’s electric installation and install a better lamp.
- 1 to post a series of commands to put to change the lightbulb.
- 1 to comment that he executed the commands and had an error message.
- 1 to advise that the commands must be executed as root.
- The father of the first user, who while everyone was discussing, went to the shop and bought the cheapest lightbulb.
- TOTAL POST-MORTEM: 1298
You might be into CS…
If a fun Friday night involves the word “Linux”.
If you plug in your USB stick correctly every time.
If half your friends and family keep in touch because their touchpad broke and you know how to use Fn+F7 on their laptop.
If computer fans help you sleep at night.
If you’re planning to root your car as soon as you can find a firmware leak from the manufacturer.
If your alarm clock activates your coffee machine. Remotely. Automatically from your watch.
If you immediately bring up Newegg when you hear your grandpa has a memory problem.
If you only write entire words for your boss’s boss.
You confuse people all the time, so you simplify everything, but they’re still confused.
A politician is embroiled in a sex scandal, and you’re more upset that he didn’t know how to lock his computer.
Management
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
“Excuse me, can you please help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You’re between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”
“You must be a programmer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost.”
The man below says, “You must be a project manager.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, you made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you’re in the same position you were in before we met, but it’s now somehow my fault.”
Intercompany discussion of the Boeing 737 Max: “This airplane is designed by clowns, who are in turn supervised by monkeys”.
Programmers
A physicist is showing a thermos to her programmer friend.
“It’s amazing”, she said. “You put a cold drink inside and regardless of how hot it is outside the drink stays cold”.
The programmer is suitably impressed.
“But that’s not all”, she continued. “You can put a hot drink inside and no matter how cold it is outside the drink stays hot”.
Now the programmer is perplexed.
He asks quizzically, “But how does it know?”
A programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink.
The bartender says he’ll give him a drink if the programmer tells him a programmer joke.
The programmer says, “A programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says he’ll give him a drink if the programmer tells him a programmer joke. The programmer says, ‘a programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. So he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink.'”
CONTINUED:
The bartender says, “I don’t get it.”
The programmer responded, “To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.”
A software engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoy a round of golf.
Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that the three ask the greenkeeper in frustration for an explanation.
“That’s a group of blind firefighters,” he said “they lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.”
The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.”
And the software engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
An engineer, physicist, mathematician, and programmer are all hired by a shepherd to create a pen to hold as many sheep as possible with the materials given.
The engineer sets to work immediately building a traditional rectangular fence: a proven design which works. She finishes in an hour.
The physicist pulls out pencil and notepad, and after a few minutes of computation, determines that a novel circular fence design will enclose the maximum number of (spherical, frictionless) sheep, while remaining structurally sound. He also completes the fence within an hour.
The mathematician sits for an hour under a tree in deep thought, suddenly jumps up, wraps himself in a short length of fence, and says, “I declare myself to be outside the fence!”
The programmer meanwhile is nowhere to be found, having run off excitedly with his laptop immediately after hearing the problem statement.
The shepherd congratulates the other three on a job well done, and they all part ways.
A week later, as the shepherd is tending to the flock, he is surprised to see the programmer sitting in the shade of a tree, furiously typing away at his laptop.
“Uh, how’s it coming?” the shepherd asks.
The programmer replies, “It’s going great! I’ve almost finished coding the cross-platform terminal graphics library!”
Software engineering involves creating automation. So, the logical question is constantly asked: in the distant future will software engineering jobs be rendered obsolete by the tools they helped create?
There are two schools of thought. Many with a business background see programmers as a commodity and, like any other commodity, are fully replaceable.
The other school of thought is difficult to comprehend because the programmers are laughing so hard they can’t talk.
Debugging
A QA engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
She orders 2 beers.
She orders 0 beers.
She orders -1 beers.
She orders a lizard.
She orders a NULLPTR.
She tries to leave without paying.
Satisfied, she declares the bar ready for business.
The first customer comes in and orders a beer. They finish their drink, and then ask where the bathroom is.
The bar explodes.
Java
At a recent real-time Java conference, the speaker gave an awkward question: “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your programming team was responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would get off the plane immediately?”
Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
The speaker turned his attention to the man, “Well, how about you? What would you do?”
“Well”, he responded confidently, “I’d be quite content to stay aboard. With my team’s software, the plane is unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.”
If Java had garbage collection, it would collect itself.